I thought I would share...

So my new years resolution for 2011 is to write down one thing every night that is positive about being single. I have moped around for far too long, and its time to embrace the lifestyle that I have now, and may or may not have for the rest of my life. I won't cease to be happy for the rest of you happy couples I know, nor will I grow resentful and critical of relationships between other people, I will simply, one day at a time, come to know and embrace the many advantages that my lifestyle has to offer, and hopefully soon become content to live it for the rest of my happy days on this earth =]

I have started to write them all in a book, but I thought hey, why not share with others who may want to embrace singleness as well? So here you are, so far, and I will continue to update as often as I can remember to :P

January 1, 2011
I can have as many pillows on my bed as I want to

January 2, 2011
I can eat as much ice cream as I want straight out of the jar and then go to the gym the next day complaining without anyone pointing out my hypocritical actions. I am well aware :P

January 3, 2011
I can stay up as late as I want to drinking and playing call of duty without anyone reminding me I have work in the morning and lecturing me to go to sleep

January 4, 2011
I can lounge about in my pj's all day with unkempt hair if I want to, no one to impress but me

January 5, 2011
I can go to my pole dancing lessons and enjoy them without having someone looking down on me for it or assuming I'm not being faithful

January 6, 2011
I can eat belgian waffles for supper if I want to and don't have to cook for anyone else or get nagged for my lack of nutritious choices

There's more to come and I'm excited about this. Single for life!

Cheers

I have a new lj. It is called thirteen_aces. I have just begun it, but it will focus on my struggles with depression and self injury. I'm hoping to be informative, and later, share it with more people to try and help in some way.
That's about all.

Cheers

BAM!

Hello. Echo... echo... echo...

Its time to start writing about the interesting things as well as the uninteresting things.

Today I went for a bra fitting and they told me I'm a size F. Wow, is pretty much all I have to say to that.

Anyway, it was a very trying day for me. I had to conquer, or put up with I should say, an interesting side to my personality. The reaction I have that, whenever I see myself without clothing, I feel like throwing up. Its quite unique, because I am not in any way exaggerating when I say I have an actual physical reaction, start to feel nauseated and dry heave at the sight of, well, me. It is something I am trying to overcome daily, simply because of its inconvenience and weirdness. Its been this way for years, actually, and despite my lifestyle changes and my exercise, nothing physically changes about me, so the situation remains unchanged. I have looked into the cost of cosmetic surgery, but found it to be too expensive.

Anyway after that, for more torture, I decided to go bathing suit shopping. Haha.

I ended up with a terrible feeling of low self worth today, but I did manage to keep from throwing up, so we have a tie for productivity.

I watched paranormal activity recently. It was a decent film, but I was not so much scared, as interested in how they managed to shoot certain scenes of the film.

I have to get ready for work in three hours.

Be honest no matter what?
Yes.

Who was your last text from?
Renate

Where was your default pic taken?
Since I'm posting this on lj and not facebook, the internet.

Have you ever lost a close friend?
Yes, I have lost many.

What is your current mood?
I couln't really say. Is blank considered a mood?

Ever had a near death experience?
Yes, when I overdosed I nearly died.

Something you do a lot?
Hmm... breathe. I do that a lot. Oh, and blink.

Angry at anyone?
Right now there's just a general frustration to things.

What stops you from going for the person you like?
Oh my gosh, let me count the ways: lack of self esteem, female friends, general shyness, feeling unworthy, fear of rejection, but mostly fear of being used.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
My mum, my dad.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
The stresses I am encountering in day to day life.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A telemarketer.

What is your favorite song?
Awake by Josh Groban. Its going to be my funeral song :P I know that sounds creepy, but its not.

What are you doing right now?
This quiz.

Who do you trust right now?
I don't trust anyone. Its a rather large character flaw I'm working on.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Its my old soccer team's t shirt, so from the coach.

Do you have a cell phone?
Yes. Samsung something 50

Describe your life in one word.
Turbulent.

Who are you thinking of right now?
Me, actually. But me when I was young.

What should you be doing right now?
Whatever I want. Sleeping maybe.

What are you listening to?
Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell.

Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
My aunt.

What does your last message say, and from who?
I'd prefer not to say, its from my stalker at work.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
No. I probably should though, I'm rather annoying naturally.

What is your natural hair color?
Imagine someone puked up a chocolate milkshake.

Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard?
Um, Greg and Colin from work when they pranked me the other day.

Is your hair curly or straight?
More curly than straight, but its not nice curls. More like a frizzy wave.

Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
Actually yes, they were making fun of my weight.

Do you have best friends?
Yes, and I do enjoy how the question has friends the plural, because I do have more than one.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
Yes, quite often. I despise internet speak, but love emoticons. Hypocrite?

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Many times. Mostly when I'd drive from university to riding classes, I'd have to switch into the pants, chaps and boots. And then for dance, karate a couple times, and once before I met friends at the mall.

Are you happy with life right now?
Yes, and no. I will never be unhappy with life in the sense that I will never stop being grateful that I am alive, and no in the sense that I don't feel any sense of direction or purpose at the moment, and my self esteem is lacking.

Are you currently jealous?
Yes. I am jealous of people who are financially secure. And I am jealous, but exceedingly glad, for the people with sound minds.

What jewelry are you currently wearing?
Five earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring. Same thing every day, actually.

What are you doing Friday night?
Nothing. Sleep maybe.

What was the last CD you bought?
Tiesto, elements of life.

Do you rent movies often?
No, not very often actually. Maybe a couple times a year.

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
Myself.

Is there anybody who's really disappointed in you right now?
Myself.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
1:30 ish. I finally was able to sleep for the first time in four days!

Do you plan outfits?
Only if it is a special occasion. Otherwise its a sniff to see if its clean, and then I throw it on.

What's the closest thing to you thats red?
The glowy light in my mouse.

Did you meet anybody new today?
No. I did not go outside my house.

What are you craving right now?
Nothing in particular.

What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Cabbage.

Are you emotional?
No. I have to try to get anywhere emotionally.

Would you dance to the taco song?
Sure.

Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Probably, though I can't be certain.

Do you like your hair?
Most of the time. Just not when it decides to be static-y.

Would you go sky diving?
No. I would be to afraid.

Who sits behind you in your math class?
I am not in a math class.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
I don't know what hot topic is, so most likely not.

Ever been on a train?
Yes. They do a fun train thing in Stettler that I've done twice now.

What do people call you, other then your name?
Mostly an assortment of insults. However I do get some nice ones like jennyren, jennybear and jennifertree.

Ever have cream puffs?
Yes.

What is your bus number for school?
I either take the 106 or the 4 once I've driven into Edmonton.

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
No. I do not swing that way.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was... indifferent.

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?
Yes. I often type in the dark and it works just fine.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Yes.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
I would not hold my breath for that, no.

In the past week have you cried?
Yes.

Did you reject or accept your last friend request?
Accept. I always accept them, I never have the heart to refuse.

When is the next time you'll fly on a plane?
When I save up enough money to go backpacking in New Zealand or go to Ireland.

Tomorrow is?
Monday. Gross. 7am shift.

What were you doing at 12:00 last night?
Sitting at my computer watching =3.

Do you like someone right now?
I don't know yet.

Do you ever think about things in the past?
All the time. I am one of those people who will think about something they did years and years ago and cringe, sometimes cry and hit things. Again, quite a large character flaw.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
I really should go to sleep. This quiz is long.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Sweat pants. My jeans have become too small for me, I need to lose weight.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
My da.

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
I don't even know if I like him yet.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
I'm alive.

Is there something you're looking forward to?
No. I'm actually continuing in the downward spiral and really dreading the rest of the summer to be honest.

Are you a jealous person?
Not as a general rule, but there have been instances in the past where I was irrationally jealous. Mostly, my jealousy is kind, if that makes sense. More of an admiration.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
I have once. Don't know if a relationship figures into my future plans for life.

Still the same old junk day after day. But I must say that I'm impressed at how well I continue to cope.

My brother moved back home, but for how long no one knows. I'm betting he'll get himself kicked out in a couple weeks.

I have a stalker. It freaks me right the fuck out.

Anyway, I've been inspired to try and get some sort of calming routine into my life. Perhaps this will help with the depression and anxiety. God knows I've tried everything else, so why not at this point.

I'll be going out alone a lot, but I've always gone out by myself, so it makes no difference. I'll just have to get used to the stares. You get that quite a bit when you go to lunches and dinner and ask for a table for one. Yep, that's me. No, I'm not waiting for anyone. No, I'm not meeting anyone. They always ask so many questions.

I've decided to fully embrace my life alone. Its not going to work, but at least I have a goal in mind.

I figure its better to work towards embracing my predicament instead of dwelling on the fact that I am and will continue to be alone because I can't face the idea of explaining to anyone how messed up I am and hoping they won't dump me after. I don't think I can trust the relationship paradigm anymore, its too fragile, and I need something stronger than that.

So, I turn to myself. That's kind of a joke right there, but what have you if not yourself.

So though it will probably not be as successful as I hope considering the consistancy of my depressive nature, I am going to try and make the best of things. I've said this before, but I am really going to make an effort this time. Its not easy for some people to understand that even if you feel inspired one night to make a change, it doesn't actually mean that change will be able to take root in the mind of a person such as myself. It takes every ounce of strength you have every day to keep going to work, keep eating, keep running errands, keep contact with people. So an inspired attitude one evening, while amazing in the moment, is quite difficult to keep on with. Depression, in that sense, is almost like a drug addiction. You can say you're going to come off it, but actually doing it is a whole other thing.

Anyway, I realize I have to have a more positive attitude towards life, especially towards people, I have to stop hating people. In general. Just don't like people. And that has to stop. I have to find something in myself that is strong enough to trust, which is going to be the hardest part.

I always wish that I could go back to being a child, when I was so happy and full of wonder and life, and find some way to stop this. I wonder what I would think of myself, I would probably be disappoited. Its unbelievable to think I changed into this thing I am today. Really unbelievable.

I could write a book about this crap.

I wish there was some way for me to connect with young girls and boys who are having trouble like this. I could help them. How, you say, when you're so fucked up yourself? Because I actually understand the circumstances, the emotions and the feelings. People who don't have depression can't even imagine what this is really like. And psychiatrists, I've had my runaround with them, and they were completely useless for me. Just the approach, and the lack of personality, you felt like they were afraid of you. You felt like you were a prisoner, someone they were simply tolerating because you aren't nuts enough to be put in a straight-jacket yet. Its horrible. And since I've gone through so many many psychiatrists I know how the system works, mainly why it doesn't work, and I know what to change to help people down the road just like me.

I wish there was some way.

I wish you all a beautiful life, breathtaking experiences, and more joy than you could ever behold. Please do everything you can so you don't fall into this with me.

I hope I never see you here. Ever.